


Cootie Shots, Missing Kids, and Cat Scratches

by indevan



Series: Saiyan Babies [3]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Children, Babysitting, Hijinks & Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 01:06:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11392158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indevan/pseuds/indevan
Summary: Promptly at five, Nappa's doorbell rang and he squared his shoulders like he was going off to battle.  Part of him said he was being ridiculous, that these kids weren’t that bad, but he knew that part of him was wrong





	Cootie Shots, Missing Kids, and Cat Scratches

At this point, Nappa had come to expect it.  The second he heard the company dinner announced, he began to brace himself.  Sure enough, his boss approached him on his break and asked if he didn’t mind forgoing the event for a “special assignment.”  Nappa wasn’t sure why he still bothered trying to be coy about it.

“Of course I’ll watch your kids,” he said, resigned.

For the rest of the day, he waited for Bardock and Paragas to strike.  They both got to him before he clocked out and Nappa cleared his Friday evening and began to batten down the hatches.

Promptly at five, his doorbell rang and he squared his shoulders like he was going off to battle.  Part of him said he was being ridiculous, that these kids weren’t that bad, but he knew that part of him was wrong.  These kids--except for Tarble--were sent from Hell directly to make him pay for some crime he had committed in a past life.

Nappa opened the door and took a step back in surprise.  He recognized Bardock’s kids (and Turles) but Bardock wasn’t standing there.  Instead, holding Kakarrot, was a woman.

“Uh, hi.”

She smiled sweetly. “Hi, can we come in?”

He wasn’t used to someone asking.  Usually Bardock just barged in and began threatening him.  Nappa stepped aside to let her in.  She was holding Kakarrot and Raditz trailed behind her, his hand loosely held in Turles’s.

“I’m Bardock’s wife,” she explained. “Gine.”

“Hi, Mr. Nappa!” Kakarrot exclaimed.

Gine smiled at her youngest and set him down on the ground.  Immediately, the four-year-old took off into the house.

“Is Geta here yet?” he asked excitedly, whipping his head around to look.

“Uh...not yet.”

Raditz and Turles followed Kakarrot into the living room and Nappa eyed the two of them suspiciously.  He knew that the two of them were the ringleaders of most misbehavior and yet they hadn’t even said anything yet.  He turned back to Gine, who still smiled sweetly.

“Before I go, I need to tell you something.”

“Um, alright.”

Gine took a step closer to him and tilted her smiling face up towards him.

“If anything happens to my boys, I will fucking kill you.”

There it was.  He thought she seemed a bit _too_ nice.

“I know.  Bardock’s made that very clear.”

“I work in a deli,” she continued. “They will never find the body.”

Nappa shuddered.  What was _with_ this family?

“Got it, got it.”

“Good.” Gine smiled again and took a step back.  She peered around his shoulder to call into the living room. “Boys, mommy’s going.  Daddy will come and pick you up tonight, okay?”

Nappa cringed.  He was going to get to see them both tonight--joy.  Raditz and Kakarrot ran out to hug her.  Once she left, they disappeared back into the living room.

“What are you planning?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” Turles asked.  He tried to look innocent and failed miserably.

Nappa stared between him and Raditz and shook his head.

“I don’t trust either of you, let that be known.”

Before either boy could argue their case, the doorbell rang again.  Nappa reluctantly turned his back on them and went to the door.

His boss stood on the other side, holding Tarble in one arm and Vegeta’s forearm in his other hand.

“He’s in a mood,” he told him.

Vegeta glared at his father and then at Nappa.  He shuddered again.  Despite being only five--and being small for his age at that--he was frightening when he was angry.

“I wouldn’t let him bring Trunks.”

“I can’t _abandon_ him,” he whined. “I’m his dad!”

His boss sighed. “He’s fine.”

Vegeta wrenched his arm free and stomped into the house.  Nappa turned back just in time for Tarble to be thrust into his arms.  Right on schedule, he clung to him like a baby koala.

“I’ll be back tonight.”

He certainly hoped so.  Tarble, he could deal with, but he really didn’t want to be stuck with Vegeta, especially if he was in the middle of a temper tantrum.

Broly and Paragas arrived shortly thereafter and Nappa went into the living room where the other kids crowded on the couch.  Broly slit his eyes in a glare when he saw Kakarrot and inched behind Nappa’s leg.

“Okay, we’re not doing that.  I can’t have two of you clinging to me all night.” He shook his leg out and Broly, reluctantly, walked over to the side of the couch where Turles was.

“Are you all alright with watching TV while I make dinner?”

A series of nods from everyone except Vegeta, who was still brooding.  He was so dedicated to sulking that he didn’t even smack Kakarrot away when he hugged him in greeting.

“Alright.”

He was a little on edge that they all seemed to be behaving and he still didn’t trust it.  Like it or not, he knew these kids.  He knew that they were not simply content to sit and watch TV.

“Someone take Tarble.”

Kakarrot held his arms out.

“Someone else take Tarble.”

Turles rolled his eyes and hopped off of the couch.  It took a lot of prying but he managed to get Tarble into the seven-year-old’s arms.

“Don’t set anything on fire,” he said to them as he retreated into the kitchen.

\--

It was no surprise that it happened while they were eating.  Nappa should have known there would be an issue when Broly came in last and the only remaining seat was next to Kakarrot.

“Trade!”

“Fuck no,” Turles said.

Raditz nodded his agreement.  Broly screwed up his face and turned towards Vegeta.

“Trade!”

“No.”

Nappa was glad that Broly gave up after that single word.  The only thing that seemed to draw him out of his mood was getting to sit at the head of the table “like a prince.”  He didn’t want to have to attempt to mediate _that_ fight.

“I don’t want to sit by you neither,” Kakarrot said. “You don’t like me for _no reason_ and that’s not nice.”

Broly let out a low growl. “Kakarrot….”

“Broly, just sit,” Nappa said with a sigh. “It’s for, like, ten minutes tops.”

He glared at him, but approached the chair.  Instead of sitting in it, he reached up and took his plate with his sandwich and sat under the table to eat.  Nappa decided not to fight it.  He was eating, at least, and they had managed to avoid another screaming match with these kids.  In fact, they even were able to get through dinner without someone pooping their pants or choking and he counted that as a victory.

Afterwards, Tarble all but leapt back into his arms and Nappa awkwardly, and with one arm, dumped the plates in the sink.

“We’re bored!” Raditz announced.

“So go play.  What do you want from me?”

“To not be fuckin’ boring,” Turles replied.

Nappa shifted Tarble to his other side and pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand.

“It was a rhetorical question, kid.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Just go play.”

Nappa slumped on the couch while the kids assembled themselves in the living room.  Broly seemed to be over his bad mood and was back to sucking on his fingers.  He still sat far away from where Kakarrot was, though.  Turles stood in front of them all with his hands on his hips.

“We need to have a talk with you two.”

Raditz stood next to him and nodded sagely.  Nappa quirked a brow.  They seemed dead serious so he wondered what, in all actuality meaningless thing was so important to them.

“What?” Vegeta demanded.

Raditz and Turles glanced at each other and then back at the younger two.

“Cooties,” Raditz said. “And about getting your shots.”

Nappa snorted in laughter but, thankfully, none of them noticed.  Raditz and Turles showed the other kids the back of their fists where symbols had been drawn.

“You got girls that like you,” Turles continued, putting his arm down, “and everyone fuckin’ knows that girls are patient zeroes when it comes to cooties.”

Raditz nodded sagely.

“We don’t got cooties,” Vegeta said crossly.

“Not yet,” Turles agreed, “but you will.”

Kakarrot’s eyes went unfathomably wide. “I don’t want cooties!”

Nappa shook his head.  He was surprised at how little things changed from when he was a kid.  Turles held his hand out for a moment before he fished around in the pocket of his shorts.

“Well, you’re in luck ‘cause _I_ have cootie shots for you both.”

He produced a permanent marker from his pocket and held it aloft probably much in the same way Jonas Edward Salk did.  Turles held his empty hand out, palm up.

“Now pay up ‘cause shots aren’t fuckin’ free.”

Raditz smacked his arm down. “Nuh-uh, Turles.”

He whipped his head to glare at him. “Nuh-uh _what?”_

He shook his head and held up one finger as he spoke.

“My mommy says that vaccines should be free and having to pay for them is subgujation of the poor, working class.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked crossly.

Raditz shrugged.

“I got no idea but she’s really angry when she says it so it’s gotta be a bad thing.”

Nappa laughed again.  Tarble lifted his head from his chest and gave him a glare that was eerily reminiscent of his brother.

“Alright, fine.  The shots are free.  Gimme your hands.”

Turles uncapped the Sharpie with his teeth and took Kakarrot’s outstretched arm.  He drew carefully on the back of his hand.

“Circle, circle, dot, dot.  Now you have your cootie shot.” He let go and said, “Blow on it so it dries.”

Kakarrot nodded and did as he was told.  Turles turned to Vegeta.

“He might already have them,” Raditz put in. “He’s had a _girlfriend_ for a while so he can be a carrier.”

Vegeta’s face went red. “AM NOT!”

Turles shook his head.

“I don’t think so.  We’d know if he had cooties.”

He took Vegeta’s arm and repeated the ritual as he drew on him.

“There,” Raditz said.

Turles waved the marker towards where Broly sat away from them.

“Hey, do you want one?  You go to school, right?”

Broly shook his head.

“Which one’s he saying no to?” Raditz asked.

“Fuck if I know.”

Turles, Nappa noted, was getting more creative in his usage of the word “fuck.”  He _knew_ he couldn’t have been the first place where he’d heard it.

\--

Nappa was pinned under the couch as Tarble napped but at least the other kids seemed to be contained to the living room--mostly.  Raditz and Turles were running around playing some sort of “gotcha” game but the others stayed put on the floor.  Broly had found the blanket he had hid under last time and was poking his face out while he slit-eyed everyone.  He was probably still mad that no one would trade seats with him.

“Hey, Geta?”

Kakarrot stared at the circle on the back of his hand and frowned.  Vegeta glared at him.

“What?”

“What are cooties, anyway?”

The five-year-old opened his mouth to speak but then closed it and glowered at himself.

“I don’t know,” he said finally. “But maybe it’s like lice.”

Kakarrot cocked his head to the side. “Lice?”

Vegeta nodded.

“Yeah.  Tien in my class had them and he had to shave his _head._  And then the nurse had to come in and make sure none of us had them, too.  So it’s probably like that.”

Nappa snorted again.  So far, this night had been calm and had given him free entertainment.  These kids, when they weren’t trying to kill him (or _get_ him killed), were pretty funny.

“Wow, Geta, you’re so smart!”

He smiled smugly. “I know.”

“That’s why you’re my bestest friend!”

Immediately, he scowled again. “Am not!”

Raditz ran back into the room, followed closely by Turles.  He leapt over the blanket where Broly was hiding but his pursuer wasn’t so lucky.  Turles’s foot snagged the blanket and he went down.

“Ow!  Fuck!”

Nappa sat up as best he could without disturbing Tarble.  He waited to hear Broly cry out by there was nothing.  Turles kicked the blanket away from him and he saw that there was no one under there.

“Where’s Broly?” he asked.

“How should we know?” Raditz shot back.

He got to his feet and shoved the still slumbering Tarble into his arms.

“Hey!” Raditz whined but he held the toddler anyway.

Nappa _knew_ things had been going too well.  Something _had_ to happen.  While he knew that Bardock--and now Gine--would do if anything happened to their kids, he had no clue what Paragas would do.

Broly was small and quiet, so he had no idea where he could have gone off to.

“We have to find him.”

“No,” Vegeta said. “ _You_ have to find him.”

He ignored him and ran into the kitchen.  Broly wasn’t under the table and all of his cabinets were too high up for a four-year-old to get to.  He hadn’t heard any feet go upstairs either, so he had to be somewhere down here.

Nappa ran back into the living room and pointed at Kakarrot.

“You.  Are you good at making annoying noises?”

He nodded excitedly. “Uh-huh, uh-huh!”

He figured.

“Good.  Make a lot of noise and hopefully it’ll annoy Broly into yelling your name or whatever.”

“Okay!” Kakarrot balled his fists and braced himself before he started to yell. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Tarble stirred and opened his eyes.  He looked around for a moment before he started to cry.

“You woke Tarble up!” Vegeta yelled angrily.

He stomped over to Kakarrot and kicked him in the shin.

“AAAAHH--ow!  Geta, that hurt!”

Raditz put Tarble down and made a fist.

“Don’t kick my brother!” He ground his knuckles into Vegeta’s back, which made him cry out and whirl around to smack him.

Turles, who had gotten over his fall, leapt to his feet and began jumping up and down.

“Yeah, now we can really fight!  Beat ‘im up, Raditz!”

Nappa rubbed his temples.

“All of you stop it!  No fighting!”

Tarble cried from his spot on the floor, oblivious to the conflict going on around him.  Even above the chatter, he couldn’t hear Broly cry out and he was beginning to worry that he wasn’t even in the house.  It was starting to get dark out and he had no way of finding him.

“Raditz hit me!” Vegeta proclaimed angrily.

“He hit Kakarrot!”

“Well, he woke up Tarble!”

“Battle royale!” Turles yelled, thrusting both arms up into the air.

Nappa was pretty sure he was dead if he didn’t find Broly so what harm would it do if he pitched all of the remaining kids into the sun?  He sighed and picked Tarble up.  Almost immediately, he quieted and entwined his limbs around Nappa’s torso.  Well, that was one problem solved.  Tarble sniffled into his neck and Nappa surveyed the other kids.

“No fighting,” he repeated. “Now we have to find Broly.”

\--

In retrospect, he figured that allowing four kids free range on the street at dusk was probably a bad idea.  Tarble, at least, was still holding tight so he could keep track of him.  Vegeta decided he didn’t want to help at all and sat on the stoop with his arms folded over his chest.  Kakarrot was more into running back to him and jabbering nonsense than actually looking.

Turles and Raditz were putting in _some_ effort but they had made it into some kind of make-believe game involving pirates.  Nappa honestly was too worried to pay much attention to what they were doing.

He really didn’t know Paragas well.  He had watched his kid twice and he still barely knew anything about the guy.  He had no idea how he would react if he lost his kid.  The dude looked like Magnum PI so what if that wasn’t just in appearances?

“I found him!” Turles yelled.

Nappa felt a cool rush of relief until he saw the seven-year-old coming back toting a white cat.  The cat twitched in his arms, obviously not liking the fact that it was being held.

“I found your cat!  The day is saved!”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and concentrated on taking deep, even breaths.

“We were looking for Broly!”

Raditz popped up behind from behind him.

“I thought we were playing tag.”

Yes, this was definitely a bad idea.

“And I don’t even have a cat!”

The cat wriggled in Turles’s arms and jumped down.  It scampered into the bushes of the house next door and disappeared into the growing darkness.

“Fuck!” he cried. “It scratched me!”

He stuck his arm out and, sure enough, three angry red gashes went down the length of his forearm.  They were just starting to ooze blood and Nappa cursed under his breath.  Just what he needed--something _else_ to go wrong.  He used his free hand to examine Turles’s arm and wondered if he had enough bandages.  The scratches just _had_ to be vertical.

“Hey, I found him!”

Nappa looked away and sighed.

“Raditz, if it’s another cat, I’ll--”

He saw the six-year-old emerge from the gloom of the backyard.  Behind his hair, Broly’s worried face peered out.  Twigs and leaves were stuck in his hair like he had been hiding behind the bushes.

“Oh thank Christ.”

“He was hidin’ in the backyard!” Raditz said proudly. “And I found him!”

Nappa exhaled in relief.  Broly was back.  A crisis was averted.  He turned back to Turles just in time to see him lick his arm.

“Stop that!”

“I wanted to see how it tasted!”

\--

It took almost an entire package of Band-Aids to patch up Turles’s arm.  Nappa was honestly proud of the kid for not crying.  Even when he sloshed hydrogen peroxide on the scratches, all he did was hiss “Fuck!” and nothing more.

Turles bent his arm experimentally and wrinkled his nose at the bandages.

“It looks dumb.”

“Well.  Don’t pick up random cats that don’t want to be picked up.  What can I tell ya, kid?”

They walked back in to the living room and Nappa braced himself for bedlam.  Last time he had had to leave with a kid, the others had taken every couch cushion and pillow and made an elaborate fort.  Luckily, Turles was usually their ringleader and, without him, the others seemed content to watch TV.  Someone had managed to find one of the kids’ channels, even, and they were watching some cartoon.  Nappa edged into the room, wondering what alternate dimension he had found himself in.

Tarble slept against Vegeta, his little arms around his brother’s waist.  Kakarrot sat on the floor, eyes wide and alight on the screen.  Raditz sat up on the couch while Broly hid behind him.

“What’s that about?” he asked.

Raditz shrugged. “Dunno.  I think he got scared out there by himself and he’s glad I found him.”

“Raditz, my hero,” Broly said quietly.

Turles jumped in front of them and shoved his arm out.

“Check out my gnarly arm, Radi!”

Raditz’s eyes went wide at the spots in the bandages where a little bit of blood was showing.

“Cool…” he said, voice low with awe.

Kakarrot popped up behind him. “Lemme see!  Lemme see!”

Turles smiled smugly and let the other kids look at his arm.  Even Broly poked his head out from around Raditz and looked on.  Vegeta rolled his eyes and stayed put and Tarble, of course, was asleep.

“Anyways, I’m back so let’s play something.”

Nappa shuddered at the sound of that.

\--

Nappa almost didn’t hear the doorbell ring over the screams.  He wasn’t sure what they were playing but it was loud and disruptive.  Even Tarble was awake, chasing after the others on his little legs.

“Everyone bow down now!” Vegeta demanded, hands on his hips. “I’m the prince!”

Tarble looked at him and put _his_ hands on his own hips. “I prince!”

“Well I’m a bandit like Robin Hood and I say fuck no!” Turles exclaimed.

“Yeah!” Raditz pumped a fist in the air.

Broly looked at him and mimicked the gesture. “Yeah!”

It wasn’t surprising that Tarble was beginning to imitate his brother but Broly doing everything Raditz did was a surprise.  It was probably hero worship, he figured.  He wondered how he worked out in his little head how much he liked one brother and apparently hated the other.  The doorbell rang again and Nappa fought his way through the sea of children to get it.  He saw Paragas on the other side.

“Broly!” he called over his shoulder. “Your dad’s here!”

Broly looked distressed.  He clung to Raditz.

“Don’t wanna leave,” he said. “Raditz.”

Raditz twisted. “Yeah, but you gotta go home.”

He blinked up at him and then made his way to the door.

“Okay.”

The two of them left and Nappa pocketed the money from Paragas and turned back to the other kids.

“Sic Sempfer Tyrannosaurus!” Turles yelled.  He held Vegeta around the middle while the younger boy thrashed wildly.

“PUT ME DOWN!”

Tarble hit him with tiny fists.

“Put down!  Put _down!”_

Kakarrot jumped up on Turles’s back.

“I’ll save you, Geta!”

Nappa sighed wearily. “Seriously--do you kids ever sleep?”

The doorbell rang again.

“Please be Bardock, please be Bardock…”

He opened the door to find his boss.

“Daddy!”

Tarble immediately abandoned his brother and ran to the door.  His boss bent down to scoop the toddler up.  Turles dropped Vegeta to the ground and he kicked him in the leg before scampering away.

“Let’s go!” he demanded.

“Vegeta, be nice to your friends.  No hitting.”

He made a face and stamped his foot and Nappa was very grateful he didn’t have to live with him all the time.  He took his payment and said good-bye, accepting his boss’s thanks when he received it.  Nappa turned and saw that Turles was sitting on Kakarrot while the four-year-old squirmed under him.

“Get offa him, Turles!  Get off!” Raditz pounded on him with both fists.

“G’off!” Kakarrot whined.

Nappa closed his eyes and opened them slowly.  In that split-second, Raditz had shoved Turles off of his brother and the two of them were wrestling.  They were laughing though, so he didn’t think to break it up, but they were getting dangerously close to ripping Turles’s Band-Aids off.

The doorbell rang a third time and he nearly cried.  He threw the door open to see Bardock standing on the stoop.  Immediately, Kakarrot and Raditz jumped to their feet.

“Daddy!”

Turles trailed after them, hands in his pockets.

“Hey, boys.”

Kakarrot wiggled, throwing his arms up to be picked up.  Bardock passed Nappa money, but he saw the younger man examining his kids for injury.

“There was a cat,” Turles said, showing him his arm.

“Looks gnarly.”

“Yeah.” Turles nodded knowingly.

Bardock bid him farewell and Nappa sagged against the door once he closed it.  Never again, he told himself.  Even so, he stared at the money in his hand and knew that that was a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> vertigoats.tumblr.com


End file.
